Compassionate toolkit

Compassion toolkit

Theory

We can understand humans in terms of three systems

1.       Drive system, for resources and achievement

2.       Threat\Protect system: to protect self from danger

3.       Soothing\Contentment system: to feel at peace, contentment and a sense of belonging

Each system has certain emotions, thoughts, behaviours and physiology that goes with it, certain ways of thinking about the past\present\future and certain ways of paying attention. There are also chemicals in the body that stimulate parts of each system (dopamine for the drive, cortisol and adrenaline for the threat, oxytocin and endorphins for soothing and contentment).

Each system also has a history of influential people and aspects from society. You may notice this influence in your values and how you speak to yourself and behave.  In your drive system you may notice demanding and critical people, in your protect system anxious\angry people, who may have let you know how scary or unjust the world is, in your soothing system there might be caring people who look to form bonds with people and enjoy what they have.

The stronger each system is on, the more often it is on, then the more exclusive our experience will accord to the experience of each system. So, if the threat system is on powerfully, then all I will be able to think about will be scary things and means of escape, I will be hyper vigilant to threat and feeling powerful feelings of anxiety.

Turning up one system, e.g. soothing will turn down the other parts of the system e.g.  threat.

Distress

It seems to be that when the three systems are reasonably balanced then we are not distressed. However, if one of them is on too high for too long it seems they can get stuck on, like a traffic light that doesn’t change.  The difficulty that comes out of this seems as follows.

If our drive system is stuck on then we never get to rest or enjoy our lives, we might feel very stressed or empty, we also possibly may feel quite alone as it focuses on our ability to get resources\achievement for ourselves.

If our threat system is stuck on, then we might spend so much time trying to protect ourselves that we don’t get to have new experiences or enjoy ourselves. We may also feel disconnected from people generally we focus on threat not affiliation.

If our soothing\contentment system is stuck on, we may not be achieving things that are important to us or protecting ourselves from some of the dangers of life.

It seems then for a happy life then a balance between these systems is needed.  In the mental health services, generally people present mostly for the threat system stuck on, less so for the drive system and rarely for the soothing system.  In light of that I will look at turning down the threat system and up the soothing system

Compassion

To want to care for ourselves requires a compassionate attitude, which seeks to reduce suffering and increase suffering. Therefore to turn down the threat and up the soothing system will require a compassionate attitude, it therefore seems helpful to enhance this attitude.

We can enhance our compassionate feelings to enable this via the following techniques, which stimulate our experience of compassion. The more we experience it, the more we are likely to act on it as it is a more familiar part of our repertoire.

1.       Do some soothing breathing. There is an exercise in the appendix detailing how.

2.       Imagine a safe place(which will invoke a calm feeling) then to imagine a compassionate being and to  experience their kindness towards us, how they speak and look at us. Details of these two exercises are in the appendix.

3.       We can also remember times when people have been kind to us, or we have been kind to others and again feel that feeling . Details again of this are in the appendix.

As we increase our feeling of self-compassion, this will also increase the sense of soothing\contentment, as we will feel cared for, we will feel soothed.

Turning down the threat system

Because humans are complicated creatures we can’t purely turn off a system.  Unfortunately, we can’t easily stop thinking, behaving or feeling. However, what we can do is to change how we react to what happens to us and this is how we can turn down the threat system.

The threat system, or any other system, runs by fuelling itself. How this works can be seen by the following illustration.

Thinking about going to the shops and thinking how I can’t cope. I may imagine how bad it will be and remember times when it has been difficult. This creates anxiety.

I can think about the anxiety as horrible and can stay at home to avoid it.

As I stay at home then I start to believe that I’m only safe by myself when I’m here.

As I  stay at home I watch TV, I notice how unpleasant things can happen to people that reminds me how scary it is outside.

So, any threat system feeds itself by how we think\feel\behave and pay attention. To lessen the effects of this we can use a technique called mindfulness.

Mindfulness is about observing: paying attention in the present moment without judgement or evaluation. It helps us to learn what is currently happening. We can practice this by doing a breathing meditation and apply it by noticing what is happening when we go about our days.  There are more details about mindfulness in the appendix. We can then apply mindfulness to our thoughts, emotions and behaviour and stop fuelling the threat system.

Thinking

The threat system when powerful hijacks our thinking, so we imagine threatening things that will happen, and remember threatening things that have happened, in doing this, this creates anxiety. Using mindfulness, we can notice this is happening but not get caught up in it. Doing this we get to reduce our worries and so reduce our anxiety. We also get to learn about ourselves, seeing our threat system in action, which can allow us to make different choices, for instance I might feel anxious about doing something but realise I’d really like to learn how to do it, for instance driving.

Behaving

The threat system again when powerful will hijack our desires and make us want to avoid or control things if we feel anxious or attack things if we feel angry. Again, mindfulness can help here through paying attention and noticing our desire to act on our anxiety\anger. This can help us ask ourselves is acting in this way in our best interest, would we recommend this to someone we cared about in the same situation?

Emotions

The threat system when powerful can come with some thoughts about our feelings, which sounds complicated. What I mean here is that we can think how awful our anxiety is, how I can’t bear my feelings of anger, and how I must get rid of them both.  Now these thoughts about our feelings seem to provoke more distress. What seems then helpful in turning down the effect of these feelings is to sit with them. Again, mindfulness helps with this. What it helps us do, is to just stay with what is happening. In doing this with the unpleasant emotion we reduce the extra suffering on top caused by our thinking. Again, this turns down the threat system.

Turning up the soothing system

As much as we turn down the threat system, we are implicitly turning up the soothing system as we are being kind to ourselves.

However we can also explicitly turn up the soothing system.

As much as the threat system is run by certain ways of behaving dictated by anxiety\anger, which we might describe as protecting ourselves. The soothing system is run by certain ways of being that we may call compassionate, by this I mean being kind, understanding and wishing ourselves\others the best.

So, to turn up the soothing system then the main way of doing this is to be more compassionate to ourselves and as we do this we will start to feel soothed and cared for, and so at peace with ourselves and the world.

We can do this by accessing different parts of the system which as we start to make them more soothing will in turn encourage other parts of the system to change. So as we feel more at peace, our thinking stems from that and we have less anxious\angry thoughts. Likewise if we act kindly towards ourselves, we will feel more at peace and have more content thoughts.

Emotion

To get the experience of the soothing\contentment system, then here are some excercises to help. What these do are with the breathing and relaxation exercise then you can soothe your body. As you do the gratitude and appreciation excercises you use your attention to notice the things you enjoy and appreciate which in turn can fuel the feeling of contentment. You can also enhance your enjoyment and appreciation by enhancing your experience of things.

First use some soothing breaths, details below.

Second use some mindful relaxation, details below.

Then

To enhance the sense of contentment, then use the gratitude exercise and the appreciation exercise.

To enhance your experience of things then try the raisin meditation or the alien excercise

Thoughts

With our thoughts, we can change them to thoughts that would come out of the soothing\contentment style of thinking. To do this then an important part of this is how you do it.  If you notice some thoughts that aren’t being kind to yourself then there is an exercise below to help you work with them.

The exercise involves

1.       Validating how you feel and why

2.       Offering you some alternative ways to see things

Now how you do this is important, as its about being kind to yourself as you develop your thoughts and beliefs.  Some people appreciate talking to themselves in a certain tone, so they create the safe space, the compassionate ideal first to get their kind feelings on stream, then they do the exercise by talking to themselves in a kind voice, to themselves or sometimes out loud.

Alternatively, some people prefer to write the exercise in the form of a compassionate letter to themselves.

Behaviours

Compassionate behaviour is about acting in a way that reduces your suffering and increases your flourishing. This can mean acting against your desires or emotions. In the way that you may not give a child chocolate every time they want some as you don’t think it’s in their best interest. There is an exercise below to help with this.

Appendix

Practising gratitude

1.       Find 3 things to be grateful for

a.       For people, your abilities, things in the world then

                                                               i.      What do enjoy and appreciate?

                                                             ii.      What would you miss if they weren’t there?

                                                           iii.      What are the things that you have currently that you haven’t always had?

2.       For each thing what is it that you enjoy and appreciate about it, where are the situations when you experience it

3.       Imagine you had this for the first time, what would it be like for you, how would you feel and behave.

Practice appreciation

Choose a day or time to decide to increase your appreciation. Genuine appreciation is about taking joyful pleasure, not about what you should and ought to do.

Focus on what you enjoy and gives you pleasure, pay attention to the amazing things around you, how people have built these, arranged these, to allow you to do what you do. Think about the skill, care and effort that went into them.  Notice the amazing sensations, smells, touches, tastes, notice how much you can enjoy them, notice if you didn’t have them how much you would miss them.  Mindfully engage with your world and notice what you appreciate and like about it.

Be an alien

Be an alien for a day: Imagine you haven’t experienced the world and engage with eyes anew

The Raisin meditation

 Set aside five to ten minutes when you can be alone, in a place, and at a time, when you will not be disturbed by the phone, family or friends. Switch off your mobile phone, so it doesn’t play on your mind. You will need a few raisins (or other dried fruit or small nuts). You’ll also need a piece of paper and a pen to record your reactions afterwards. Your task will be to eat the fruit or nuts in a mindful way. Read the instructions below to get an idea of what’s required, and only reread them if you really need to. The spirit in which you do the meditation is more important than covering every instruction in minute detail. You should spend about twenty to thirty seconds on each of the following eight stages:

1.       Holding

a.        Take one of the raisins (or your choice of dried fruit or nuts) and hold it in the palm of your hand, or between your fingers and thumb. Focusing on it, approach it as if you have never seen anything like it before. Can you feel the weight of it in your hand? Is it casting a shadow on your palm?

2.       Seeing

a.       Take the time really to see the raisin. Imagine you have never seen one before. Look at it with great care and full attention. Let your eyes explore every part of it. Examine the highlights where the light shines; the darker hollows, the folds and ridges.

3.       Touching

a.       Turn the raisin over between your fingers, exploring its texture. How does it feel between the forefinger and thumb of the other hand?

4.       Smelling

a.       Now, holding it beneath your nose, see what you notice with each in-breath. Does it have a scent? Let it fill your awareness. And if there is no scent, or very little, notice this as well.

5.       Placing

a.       Slowly take the object to your mouth and notice how your hand and arm know exactly where to put it. And then gently place it in your mouth, noticing what the tongue does to ‘receive’ it. Without chewing, simply explore the sensations of having it on your tongue. Gradually begin to explore the object with your tongue, continuing for thirty seconds or more if you choose.

6.       Chewing

a.       When you’re ready, consciously take a bite into the raisin and notice the effects on the object, and in your mouth. Notice any tastes that it releases. Feel the texture as your teeth bite into it. Continue slowly chewing it, but do not swallow it just yet. Notice what is happening in the mouth.

7.       Swallowing

a.       See if you can detect the first intention to swallow as it arises in your mind, experiencing it with full awareness before you actually swallow. Notice what the tongue does to prepare it for swallowing. See if you can follow the sensations of swallowing the raisin. If you can, consciously sense it as it moves down into your stomach. And if you don’t swallow it all in one go, consciously notice a second or even a third swallow, until it has all gone. Notice what the tongue does after you have swallowed.

8.       After-effects

a.       Finally, spend a few moments registering the aftermath of this eating. Is there an aftertaste? What does the absence of the raisin feel like? Is there an automatic tendency to look for another?

Williams, Prof. Mark. Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world (pp. 74-75). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.

Creating a Safe Place: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind

In this imagery we are going to try to create a placein our mind – a place that could give you the feeling of safeness, calmness. If you are depressed or distressed those might be difficult feelings to generate, but the act of trying, and the sense of it being the sort of place you would like to be, is the important thing. So remember, it is the act of trying the practice that is important, feelings may follow later.

The place may be a beautiful wood where the leaves of the trees dance gently in the breeze. Powerful shafts of light caress the ground with brightness. Imagine a wind gently on your face and a sense of the light dancing in front of you. Hear the rustle of the leaves on the trees; imagine a smell of woodiness or a sweetness of the air. Your place may be a beautiful beach with a crystal blue sea stretching out to the horizon where it meets the ice blue sky. Under foot is soft, white, fine sand that is silky to the touch.  You can hear the gentle hushing of the waves on the sand.  Imagine the sun on your face, sense the light dancing in diamond spectacles on the water, imagine the soft sand under your feet as your toes dig into it and feel a light breeze gently touch your face. Your safe place may be by a log fire where you can hear the crackle of the logs burning and the smell of wood smoke. These are examples of possible pleasant places that will bring a sense of pleasure to you, which is good, but the key focus is on a feeling of safeness for you. These examples are only suggestions and yours might be different to these.

It helps your attention if you practice focusing on each of your senses; what you can imagine seeing, feeling, hearing and any other sensory aspect. When you bring your safe place to mind allow your body to relax. Think about your facial expression; allow it to have a soft smile of pleasure at being there.

It is also useful to imagine that as this is your own unique safe place, created by you so the place itself takes joy in you being here.  Allow yourself to feel how your safe place has pleasure in you being here. Explore your feelings when you imagine this place is happy with you being there.

Creating a compassionate Ideal: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind

First, engage with your soothing breathing rhythm and compassionate expression; bring to mind your safe place, the sounds, the feel, and the sights. Remind yourself that this is your place and it delights in you being here. This may now be the place where you wish to create and meet your compassionate image. You can imagine your image being created out of a mist in front of you, for example or just appearing. The image may be walking towards you. [Note: In Buddhist practice the student imagines a clear blue sky from which various images emerge].

This exercise is to help you build up a compassionate image, for you to work with and develop (you can have more than one if you wish, and they can change over time). Whatever image comes to mind or you choose to work with, note that it is yourcreation and therefore your own personal ideal - what you would really like from feeling cared for/about. However, in this practice it is important that you try to give your image certain qualities. These are superhuman – complete and perfect compassionate qualities that are there for you to practice creating and bringing to mind. They include:

A deep commitment to you – a desire to help you cope with and relieve your suffering and take joy in your happiness. (Note: This is key from the evolutionary point of view)

Strength of mind – it is not overwhelmed by your pain or distress, but remains present, enduring it with you.

Wisdom - gained through experience - it truly understands the struggles we go through in life. We all ‘just find ourselves here’ doing the best we can.

Warmth - conveyed by kindness, gentleness, caring and openness.

Acceptance - it is never judgemental or critical, it understands your struggles and accepts you as you are. However remember too that it is deeply committed to help you and support you.

Please don’t worry about remembering all of these qualities and emotions because you will be guided through them again when we do the imagery.

Here are some questions that might help people build an image:

·                     Would you want your ideal compassionate image to feel/look/seem old or young; to be male or female (or non-human looking e.g. an animal, sea or light)?

·                     What colours and sounds are associated with the qualities of wisdom, strength, warmth and non-judgement?

·                     What would help you sense their commitment and kindness for you?

One of the key experiences is that your image really wants for you to be free of suffering, and/or to be able to deal with the difficulties, and to flourish. It knows that we all just find ourselves here, living as we do, trying the make the best of our minds and lives. It understands that our minds are difficult, that emotions can run riot in us and this is not our fault.

Practice experiencing what it's like to focus on the feeling that another mind really values you and cares about you unconditionally. Now focus on the idea that your compassionate ideal is looking at you with great warmth. Imagine that they have the following deep desires for you:

·                     That you be well

·                     That you be happy

·                     That you be free of suffering

The key to the exercise is not the visual clarity. Indeed some people don't really see their images in any clear way at all. The key to the exercise is the focus and practice on the compassionate desires coming into you. Here the practice is to imagine another mind wishing for you to flourish.

Now, you might have thought ‘yes but this is not real, I want somebody real to care for me’. That is, of course, very understandable and even doing this exercise could make you feel sad. That is because your intuitive wisdom recognises seeking for connectedness. The point to remember is that what we are trying to tackle is your own attitudes towards yourself, particularly feelings of shame or self-criticism. While it may indeed be desirable to find people who are caring, it's also very desirable that you create these feelings within you - so that you gradually learn to focus on compassion for yourself, rather than self-criticism. So try not to see it as an ‘either/all’, but as quite different processes between the compassion you give to yourself, and the compassion you'd like other people to give to you.

Soothing Breathing: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind

Okay, to start with, find a place where you can sit comfortably and won’t be disturbed. Keeping your back straight, place both feet flat on the floor about shoulder width apart and rest your hands comfortably on your knees or in your lap. If you’re sitting on the floor or on a small meditation stool, you may like to have your legs crossed. Try and find a position that’s comfortable for you but don’t slouch – your back should be straight. Sometimes lying flat on the floor can be helpful if that’s the most comfortable position for you to start your work. The idea is not to relax so much that you become sleepy but to develop a certain type of alert focus and awareness. Now just gently focus on your breathing. Breathe through your nose, and as you breathe in, let the air reach down to your diaphragm – that’s just at the bottom of your rib cage, in the upside-down ‘V’. Place a hand on your diaphragm with the thumb pointing upwards and notice how your hand lifts and falls with your breath. Feel your diaphragm (i.e. the area just below your ribs) move as you breathe in and out. Do this for a few breaths until you feel comfortable with it and it seems natural and easy to you. Next, place your hands on either side of your rib cage. This is slightly more awkward because your elbows will be pointing outwards. Now breathe gently. Notice how your rib cage expands out against your hands, your lungs acting like bellows. This is the movement of the breathing you’re interested in – you feel your lungs expanding around you. So basically you want a breath to come in and down while expanding your rib cage at the sides. Your breathing should feel comfortable to you and not forced. As a rough guide, it’s about three seconds on the in-breath, a slight pause, then three seconds on the out-breath. But you must find the rhythm that suits you. As you practise, try to replenish the air in your lungs but not in a forced way.

Now just notice your breathing and experiment with it. Breathe a little faster or a little slower until you find a pattern that, for you, seems to be your own soothing rhythm, which feels natural to you. As you engage with it, you’ll feel your body slowing down. It’s as if you’re checking into and linking up with the rhythm. You’re letting your body set the rhythm, breathe for you, and you’re paying attention to it. Rest your eyes so that they’re looking down at an angle of about 45 degrees. You may wish to close them but be careful – you may become very sleepy. Now spend 30 seconds or so focusing on your breathing, just noticing the breath coming through your nose, down into your diaphragm, your diaphragm lifting, your ribs gently expanding sideways, and then the air moving out, through your nose. You can check on this by, first, putting a hand on your diaphragm and feeling it lifting and falling with your breathing. Next, put your hands on each side of your lower ribs and feel them being pushed apart as you breathe. Notice the difference. It’s an ‘all-round experience’ of the breath coming into your lungs and expanding them. Notice the sensations in your body as the air flows in and out through your nose. Just focus on that for 30 seconds (longer if you like) and sense a slight slowing of your breathing . . . Feel your body slowing down as you find and slip into your soothing rhythm. The important thing is to find your own rhythm rather than impose one. As for a focus for your attention, once you’re comfortable with your breathing, you can bring your attention to the inside of the tip of your nose. Try it and see how useful it is as a focal point for you.

Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind (Compassion Focused Therapy) (p. 226). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.

Breathing Meditation (Kabat-Zinn 1996)

 Assume a comfortable posture lying on your back or sitting.  If you are sitting, keep the spine straight and let your shoulders drop.

 Close your eyes if it feels comfortable.

 Bring your attention to your belly, feeling it rise or expand gently on the inbreath and fall or recede on the outbreath.

 Keep your focus on the breathing, “being with” each inbreath for its full duration and with each outbreath for its full duration, as if you were riding the waves of your own breathing.

Every time you notice that your mind has wandered off the breath, notice what it was that took you away and then gently bring your attention back to your belly and the feeling of the breath coming in and out.

 If your mind wanders away from the breath a thousand times, then your “job” is simply to bring it back to the breath every time, no matter what it becomes preoccupied with.

 Practice this exercise for fifteen minutes at a convenient time every day, whether you feel like it or not, for one week and see how it feels to incorporate a disciplined meditation practice into your life.  Be aware of how it feels to spend some time each day just being with your breath without having to do anything.

Compassion from others

1.       Engage in some soothing breathing

2.       Remember a time when someone was warm and caring to you

3.       Remember the event and then focus on the specific detail of that event

4.       Focus on the detail

a.       What feelings were directed at you.

b.       Explore your feelings about receiving kindness

c.       Can you sense your feelings in your body?

d.       Allow the kindness to flow into you

Compassion to others

1.       Engage in some soothing breathing

2.       Remember a time when you were warm and caring to someone else

3.       Remember the event and then focus on the specific detail of that event

4.       Focus on the detail

a.       how would you look?

b.       How were you feeling?

c.       What’s the tone of your voice?

d.        What expressions are on your face?

e.        Notice if anything happens to your feelings or bodily senses.

Mindful relaxing

1.       Adopt a soothing breathing pattern for 30 seconds

2.       Focus on your

a.       Legs, notice how they are let tension drain away into the floor

b.       Notice how your legs feel pleased and grateful

c.       Some people prefer to tense their legs and breathe out as the tension drains away and say relax

3.       Repeat 2.  For you head, shoulders, trunk, arms, hands,

4.       When you finish, spend a moment noticing how grateful your body feels for letting the tension go

Compassionately working with thoughts

1.       Engage in some soothing breathing

2.       Validation

a.       Realise how it’s understandable given what happened, what’s been happening and your past how you are feeling

3.       Generating alternative thoughts (in a kind tone)

a.       Interpreting the situation

                                                               i.      Thinking about facts

1.       How would I think about the situation, if I wasn’t feeling the feeling I was feeling?

2.       How does my current emotional state change how I am seeing things?

3.       Are there any other ways of thinking about the present situation?

4.       How will I feel about this event in 3 years’ time?

b.       Thinking about my response

                                                               i.      Have I managed setbacks before?

c.       Thinking about my rules

                                                               i.      Am I making unreasonable demands on the world and people

d.       Being supportive

                                                               i.      What would I say to support a friend in a similar position?

e.       Being empathic

                                                               i.      If there’s someone else in the situation then how can I understand how the others behaviour is reasonable for them?

f.        Noticing blocks

                                                               i.      What gets in the way of me taking my own wisdom, is there a gain to me continuing as I am

Compassionately working with behaviour

1.       Take some soothing breaths

2.       Take a behaviour that you would like to work with, this might be a behaviour you do or don’t\do

3.       Understanding

a.       For doing a behaviour

                                                               i.      What are the effects of doing this behaviour, i.e. how does it make you feel, see the world and what other behaviours does it encourage?

                                                             ii.      Are these effects in your best interest?

                                                           iii.      Is the request for this behaviour from yourself or others reasonable? Are you capable of doing it, is it reasonable to do it now, are you being bullied into it?

                                                           iv.      What is your intention in doing this behaviour?

b.       For not doing a behaviour

                                                               i.      What are the effects of not doing this behaviour, i.e. how does it make you feel, see the world and what other behaviour do you do in its place and what are its effects?

                                                             ii.      Are these effects in your best interest?

                                                           iii.      What is your intention in not doing this behaviour?

4.       Choosing

a.       What would be a compassionate alternative to this behaviour, which seeks to reduce your suffering and to increase your flourishing,

5.       Planning

a.       Establish what would be a compassionate way to implement this new behaviour, baby steps, in at the deep end?

6.       Acting

a.       Use soothing breaths