Motivational Interviewing Preparing people for change: Miller and Rollnick

The Compassionate Mind Paul Gilbert
Contents
Chapter 7 Mindful Preparations on the road to compassion    4
Mindfulness and breathing meditation    4
Mindful relaxing    5
Grounding    5
Small chill outs    6
Mindful exercises    6
Be an alien    6
Appreciation    6
Chapter 8 Compassionate Mind training through imagery    6
The compassionate desire to be happy    6
Exploring the desire to be at peace    6
Experiencing peace and joyfulness    7
Using Imagery    7
Using memory to create compassionate feeling    7
Exercises the desire for others to be happy    8
The music of compassion and the role of sadness    8
Exercise: the compassionate self    8
Compassion images and fantasies    8
Exercise finding a safe place    8
Compassion focussed imagery    9
Imagining your ideal: compassionate other    9
Building a compassionate image    9
Exercise: Compassion for our distress and threat feelings    9
Grounding    9
Flow of life imagery    10
Chapter 9 Compassionate Thinking    10
Thinking difficulties    10
Mind training in thinking    10
Exercises    11
Pay attention    11
Compassionate writing    11
Conflicting thoughts\emotions    11
Exercises    12
Validating our feelings    12
Thinking about facts    12
Compassionate skills    13
Compassionate attention    13
Compassionate thinking    13
Compassionate behaving    13
Exercises    13
Developing compassionate in the moment coping    14
Compassionate thinking towards others    14
Conclusion    14
Chapter 10 From Self-criticism to self-compassion    15
Shame and self-criticism    15
Shame and disappointment    15
The need to be valued by others to value ourselves    16
Self-criticism and being devalued    16
The bullied becomes the bully    16
From self-criticism to self-compassion    17
Difference between shame-based criticism and compassionate based self-correction    17
Self-criticism vs self esteem    17
Complications: self-criticism and the fear of powerful and wanted others    17
Some compassion focussed exercises    18
Sitting with your self-criticism    18
The many parts of me    18
The unreliable self-critic    18
Your best interests at heart    18
Writing about your conflict    18
Blaming others and forgiveness    18
Standing up to your self-critic    18
Coping in the moment    19
Limiting your criticism of others    19
Chapter 11 Compassion and emotions    20
Compassionate behaviour    20
Courage    20
Working with anxiety    20
10 Step processes for dealing with anxiety    21
Working with Anger    22
A ten-step plan to tackling anger    23
Step 2 What is the nature of your anger    23
Step 3 Learn to tolerate anger rather than acting on it    23
Step 4 Think about all the reasons why you want to control your anger    23
Step 5 Listen to others when they say you have a problem with anger or are a bit of a bully    23
Step 6 Make a list of situations that make you angry    23
Step 7 Make a commitment to tackle your problems without expressing anger    23
Step 8 Write down some coping thoughts    24
Step 9 Learn to forgive and forget    24
Step 10 Reflect on how you’re doing    25
Conclusion    25
Chapter 12 Compassionate behaviour: cultivating courage    25
The art of resistance    25
Resisting our own desires    25
Resisting the others    25
The concept of deserve    26
Standing up to bullies in yourself and others    26
Conflict and compassion    26
Heroic compassion    27
Combating our tribal and submissive behaviour    27
Confronting our capacity for cruelty    27
Cruelty and sadism    27
Confronting our shadow    27
Chapter 13 Expressing the compassionate mind    28
Worksheet 3: Compassionate approaches to life practices    28
Worksheet 4: Compassionate approaches to life’s difficulties    29
Worksheet 5: The consequences of being kind to yourself and others    30
Being kind    30
Working on a close relationship    30
Fear based and need based caring    30
Pro Social behaviour    31
Compassion Summary    32
Theory    32
Distress    32
Compassion    32
Turning down the threat system    33
Turning up the soothing system    34
Emotion    34
Thoughts    35
Behaviours    35
Appendix    35
Practising gratitude    35
Practice appreciation    35
Be an alien    36
The Raisin meditation    36
Creating a Safe Place: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind    37
Creating a compassionate Ideal: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind    38
Soothing Breathing: Gilbert, Paul. The Compassionate Mind    39
Breathing Meditation (Kabat-Zinn 1996)    40
Compassion from others    41
Compassion to others    41
Mindful relaxing    41
Compassionately working with thoughts    42
Compassionately working with behaviour    42
Question for Compassion group    43

Chapter 7 Mindful Preparations on the road to compassion

Mindfulness and breathing meditation

Mindfulness: paying attention to the present moment without judgement or evaluation

Mindfulness is key to compassion. It allows you to observe and only observe.

Mindfulness is just being and experiencing. This isn’t something you can make happen it’s like sleep, you just prepare for it as best you can, and it might come.

Mindfulness brings us to the now of our current existence, to observe and experience what is happening now, my thoughts, my feelings.

We can get dragged to thinking about the past or the future or comparing the actual present with how we think it should be, this can get us to lose our experience of what is going on in the present. Sometimes it’s important to think about the past, future, or how the present should be, but it’s better to do this consciously rather than get dragged there through strong emotions.

Mindfulness increases your ability to live in the present and to experience greater detail in the present.

Mindfulness I guess can help with compassion as it allows us to observe what is going on and to firstly be aware of our suffering, without over identification and to make a conscious choice to be compassionate to ourselves.

Mindfulness is about being in your experience of attention, as you pay attention, then your “light” of attention can move from event to event, mindfulness is about fully being in that process.

Mindfulness is about experiencing the present moment without judgement or evaluation.  When your practice a breathing meditation then you are training yourself just to experience the present moment. All you can do with this is create the preparation for doing this by noticing and returning from distractions, mindfulness is like sleep, you can’t make yourself do it, if you tell yourself to sleep you are kept awake by that thought and emotion, and if you tell yourself to be more mindful then you have immediately come out of the present experience.

How this can be helpful is that through training yourself to experience more in the present then you start to observe your thoughts more and to not get caught up in them. This can be helpful when you notice yourself getting caught up with depressive or anxious thoughts as you can just notice them as what they are in the present, just thoughts and return to what you are doing.

The exercise of the breathing meditation is about learning to focus your attention, if you practice it may become easier, In the act of practicing you are also practising not getting caught up in thoughts which is useful psychotherapeutically, you are also practicing noticing so that gives you more choices.

Practice mindfulness by being in the moment with a variety of everyday activities, walking, sitting, having a bath.

When we are depressed or anxious, we remove ourselves from the experience of the present, and get caught up in anxious, depressed thoughts and feelings.

Mindful relaxing

1.       Adopt a soothing breathing pattern for 30 seconds

2.       Focus on your

a.       Legs, notice how they are let tension drain away into the floor

b.       Notice how your legs feel pleased and grateful

c.       Some people prefer to tense their legs and breathe out as the tension drains away and say relax

3.       Repeat 2.  For you head, shoulders, trunk, arms, hands,

4.       When you finish, spend a moment noticing how grateful your body feels for letting the tension go

Tension isn’t your enemy it rather prepares you for action and to protect you

Grounding

Some people like to connect their mindful relaxation to something, a stone, or a smell that you touch, or smell enables you to connect your relaxation to that. Then you can just use the smell or the stone at later times to achieve relaxation.

Small chill outs

If you’re busy, then use small chill outs.

1.       When someone says something that upsets you

2.       Notice bodily feelings, emotions and thoughts by saying to yourself I’m feeling x, I’m thinking y types of thoughts, my mind is jumping from x to y

3.       Adopt a soothing breathing and watch these thoughts and feeling as they go by, don’t get caught up in them.

Mindfulness changes us from having more experience and being less results orientated

Mindful exercises

Be an alien

Be an alien for a day: Imagine you haven’t experienced the world and engage with eyes anew

Appreciation

Our attention changes dependent on mood and if we’re not feeling so good we focus on unpleasant things. Likewise, we get very used to things and we always want new things, and this can also take pleasure away from what we already have.

So, choose a day, or decide to increase your appreciation. Genuine appreciation is about taking joyful pleasure, not about what you should and ought to do.

Focus on what you enjoy and gives you pleasure, pay attention to the amazing things around you, how people have built these, arranged these, to allow you to do what you do. Notice the amazing sensations, smells, touches, tastes, notice how much you can enjoy them, notice if you didn’t have them how much you would miss them.  Mindfully engage with your world and notice what you appreciate and like about it.

What appreciation does is overrule your threat system which focusses on the glass as half empty, if you haven’t enough then that’s a threat, you need to fill your glass up.

Mindfulness helps us to stay in the moment, and to be aware of what is happening: our sensations and our consciousness. So, it is about being conscious of our experience and staying in that. This then allows us to choose where to direct our attention as opposed to have our attention moved by our mood.

Chapter 8 Compassionate Mind training through imagery

Thoughts and Images affect our brain and bodies, our brain through the emotions we have and the wiring in our brain and our bodies through their physiological response.

The compassionate desire to be happy

Exploring the desire to be at peace

1.       A minute of mindful breathing

2.       Make a half smile to generate a compassionate expression

3.       Imagine your heart area opening and say to yourself

a.       May I be well, May I be happy, May I be free from suffering

Alternative

1.       Substitute this for 3:

a.       Recognise how you were created in the flow of life, you found yourself here in the body you inherited, with the experiences you had

b.       Consider your deep desire to be at peace with yourself and to have a contented mind

c.       Focus on your desire to be free from suffering

d.       Focus on the part of you that really knows the struggles of the flows of life and wants to be contented

e.       Realise that the contented part is wise and caring and if you’re tired, it can recognise this and it’s not tired.

Experiencing peace and joyfulness

1.       A minute of mindful breathing

2.       Make a half smile to generate a compassionate expression

3.       Imagine feeling at peace with yourself that there’s nothing you have to do to make yourself loveable or to belong

4.       Imagine feeling a sublime joyful feeling at the wonderful person you are, as if you have just given birth to yourself

Some people fear contentment as they fear they will miss our or not have much fun which acts as a barrier to contentment.

Contentment is an internal property it doesn’t stop action in the world, but the contentment, self-love, and lovability aren’t conditional on achieving anything

Using Imagery

Images are likely to be impressionistic, notice how your impressions are of your fantasies, or as you remember a holiday or a house you used to live in.  The key thing is the feeling that goes with it.

Using memory to create compassionate feeling

Flowing In

1.       Engage in some mindful breathing

2.       Remember a time when someone was warm and caring to you

3.       Remember the event and then focus on the specific detail of that event

4.       Focus on the detail

a.       What feelings were directed at you.

b.       Explore your feelings about receiving kindness

c.       Can you sense your feelings in your body?

d.       Allow the kindness to flow into you

Flowing Out

1.       Engage in some mindful breathing

2.       Remember a time when you were warm and caring to someone else

3.       Remember the event and then focus on the specific detail of that event

4.       Focus on the detail

a.       how would you look?

b.       How were you feeling?

c.       What’s the tone of your voice?

d.        What expressions are on your face?

e.        Notice if anything happens to your feelings or bodily senses.

These needs repeating

Exercises the desire for others to be happy

1.       Engage in some mindful breathing

2.       Imagine directing kindness towards people you care about.

3.       Bring them to mind, their faces and how they move, what it is you love about them, remembering that in mental imagery you usually only get fleeting impressions, not clear pictures.

4.       Now explore the feelings emerging from this desire for them to be happy, peaceful and content. You might repeat in your mind the Buddhist statements: ‘May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

Repeat the above for friends, family, neighbours, people in your village, town, country, continent and world. Today and in the future.

The music of compassion and the role of sadness

Music can connect us to emotions we struggle to feel. Sadness can connect people, we are in the same flow of life, face the same tragedies. The tantric school of buddhis believes there are many selves in us, and its which one of us we nurture that leads to our development.

Exercise: the compassionate self

1.       Soothing breathing for 30 seconds

2.       Let the tension run out of each major part of your body

3.       Imagine you are a deeply wise and compassionate person

a.       Deep kindness

b.       Warmth

c.       Gentleness

d.       Wise: I have been there too

e.       Forgiving

4.       Think how this would look and sound

a.       Facial expression

b.       Posture

c.       Voice

d.       Gestures

Compassion images and fantasies

Exercise finding a safe place

1.       Do the mindful relaxation as above, allow tension to flow out of the major parts of your body

2.       Focus your mind on a place that provokes safeness, calm and contentment

3.       Create as much sensory detail as possible

4.       Add feelings that this place welcomes you and enjoys you being there

Compassion focussed imagery

Focussing on a strong emotional image, be it anger, or compassion will create different activity in your brain. Compassion brain wave states enhance the immune system.

Imagining your ideal: compassionate other

We can create an inner image to stimulate our soothing system.  Create the ideal compassionate being.

4 Key characteristics of a compassionate being

1.       Wise

a.       Knows what it means to be humans, the emotions, the conflicts in the minds, the suffering and it knows how to cope with them

2.       Strength

a.       Can endure and tolerate adversity and can defend and protect

3.       Non-judgemental           

a.       Never condemns or judges

4.       Warmth Kind

5.       Plus

a.       humorous/doesn’t take self too seriously.

b.       Really good at connecting being intimate

Building a compassionate image

1.       Soothing breathing

2.       Bring a compassionate look to your face with a slight smile

3.       Think about compassionate ideal qualities

4.       Think about how they look, move, speak etc

Exercise: Compassion for our distress and threat feelings

1.       Soothing breathing

2.       Imagine you are a compassionate being

a.       Kind

b.       Gentle

c.       Strong

d.       Non-judgemental

e.       Wanting the best for people

3.       Imagine the distressed part of you in front of you

4.       Don’t try to change anything, just look at the distressed part of you and feel compassion

5.       You can repeat this exercise with your compassionate image

Grounding

Using a compassionate imagery can encourage certain brain patterns and can help us act kindly and supportively when we find things difficult

1.       Engage in soothing breathing

2.       Imagine your compassionate ideal

3.       Imagine then offering support to you, imagine compassion flowing into you, imagine what they might say when you face a difficult situation.

Some people like to ground this compassionate feeling in an object so when you tap into a compassionate feeling, hold a stone for instance then when you need it again, use the stone, likewise you can touch the tips of your index fingers together when you practice compassionate imagery and again this can connect your index fingers touching with the compassionate feeling.

Flow of life imagery

These can offer the sensation of connection and acceptance.

Connecting with the flow of life

1.       Decide if you preferred link, is with the sea, the sky or the earth

2.       Engage in soothing breathing

3.       Imagine you’re preferred link in full detail, with each of the senses

4.       Notice how long your link has been here

5.       Think how your link has seen many species come and go

6.       Now imagine your link completely accepts you, knows all about your struggles and your pain. That it recognises you are a mindful being in the flow of life

7.       Allow yourself to feel connected with you link, to its wisdom that has total acceptance of you

8.       Try to build a sense of connectedness to something that is old and wise

Chapter 9 Compassionate Thinking

Our new brain allows us to remember, compare and imagine. This enables to learn from the past, and create things that take time to make, and through comparison relate things in new and interesting ways. This has lead us to some amazing inventions, preventing disease, the internet and electricity.

Our new brain capacities can stimulate old brain fears and we can become very disturbed.

The buddha argued that to not be controlled by your passions, desires and fears you need to be mindful and follow the 8-fold path.

Thinking difficulties

We can interpret events in unhelpful ways

We can tyrannize ourselves with should, musts etc

We can interpret physical sensations unhelpfully

We can interpret our thoughts as meaning certain things

We can repeatedly think about the same thing

We can have emotions that this means a bad thing, then we try to stop them

Mind training in thinking

First, we need to pay attention and monitor

Notice how we might interpret in a certain way, then this might attract other similar thoughts.

We may interpret in certain ways due to

1.       Genetics

2.       Prior experiences

3.       Current emotional state

4.       Current thinking styles

5.       Physiology

Emotions are sticky as far as thoughts are concerned and draw our thinking to things we are anxious or depressed about, so we may ruminate, obsess, worry…

Fears summarised

1.       Physical harm

2.       To loved ones

3.       To goals or ability to get there

4.       Self and social goals, i.e. esteem, feeling valued etc

Exercises

Pay attention

Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, observe them.

Describe your thoughts and emotions compassionately, i.e. with warmth, kindness and gentleness

Compassionate writing

To understand your feelings a bit more then write them down and notice how they relate to any themes in your life. This aims to find out why you might think the way that you do, which shows the thoughts influence and therefore weakens its truth.

By spending some time trying to understand why you think the way that you do then you

1.       Are being caring to yourself

2.       Trying to be sensitive and validating why you think the way that you do

3.       Have sympathy for yourself in your suffering

4.       Learning how to tolerate your thoughts

5.       Empathising

6.       Being non-critical

Conflicting thoughts\emotions

Sometimes when emotions are around we get caught up in the dominant one and don’t listen to the other parts of ourselves.

We have what we actually think, what we’d like to think, what we should think, what we feel capable of thinking.

When something happens, we can often get many conflicting thoughts and feelings as we don’t know what to do

Mindfulness and depression: just to observe your depressive thoughts and feelings as opposed to avoiding them or trying to get rid of them.

Exercises

Validating our feelings

Realise how it’s understandable given what happened, what’s been happening and your past how you might feel the way you do.

Realise that whatever you feel, its ok, it may not be desirable or pleasant, but it Is ok.

It is only when you accept how you are, that you can do anything about it. Accepting how you are, enables you to find something appropriate to deal with it, it also allows you to treat all of it, and it also enables you to reduce any suffering because of it.

Thinking about facts

Generating alternative thoughts:

1.       Interpreting the situation

a.       Thinking about facts

                                                               i.      How would I think about the situation, if I wasn’t feeling the feeling I was feeling?

                                                             ii.      How does my current emotional state change how I am seeing things?

                                                           iii.      Are there any other ways of thinking about the present situation?

                                                           iv.      How will I feel about this event in 3 years’ time?

a.       Thinking about my response

a.       Have I managed setbacks before?

b.       Thinking about my rules

a.       Am I making unreasonable demands on the world and people

c.       Being supportive

a.       What would I say to support a friend in a similar position?

d.       Being empathic

a.       If there’s someone else in the situation then how can I understand how the others behaviour is reasonable for them?

2.       Noticing blocks

a.       What gets in the way of me taking my own wisdom, is there a gain to me continuing as I am

Am I demanding life be in a certain way and suffering when it’s not? Am I demanding other people\situations be perfect?

Putting it all together

1.       Validate feelings: It’s understandable for me to feel as I do

a.       Notice how the threat system is on, and is generating scary thoughts (better safe than sorry)

2.       Kindly offer alternative thoughts

a.       Think about the facts: How would I think if I wasn’t feeling the feelings I was feeling

b.       Think about my response: how I can cope with set backs

c.       Be supportive, what would I say or do for a friend in a similar situation

d.       If there’s someone else involved in the situation that you’re thinking about then be empathic if it’s how someone’s acted that is the situation, or if it’s not a person, then think how you would think if someone else was in this situation

e.       Think about your rules that you are using in this situation: are you being reasonable, would you apply these rules to someone you care about

f.        If you notice yes but responses to your alternative be mindful to the task in hand

3.       Notice what gets in the way of you listening to your wisdom

a.       Is there a payoff for staying as things are?

Compassionate skills

1.       Compassionate attention

2.       Compassionate thinking

3.       Compassionate behaving

4.       Compassionate feeling

Compassionate attention

Where you place your attention, remembering, imagining, perceiving has an effect. Compassionate attention is therefore paying attention to things that are kind, supportive, wanting the best for you, in other words helpful.

Compassionate thinking

When you ask yourself, what is a the most helpful and compassionate way to think about this, then this is compassionate thinking.  What would someone who wanted to alleviate your suffering and wanted the best for you think.  Sometimes just noticing your thoughts as thoughts is the kindness thing to do.

Compassionate behaving

Again, what would be a way to behave, what would someone who was wise who wanted to reduce your suffering and wanted the best for you.  Accept your feelings, be assertive, be more active, rest now that you are tired, there is no absolute answer for all situations and for all people.

Exercises

Exercise focusing on emotion

1)      Soothing breathing

2)      In a distressing situation

3)      Generate some helpful alternative thoughts to understand the situation

4)      Focus on your compassionate image

5)      Re-read the list and focus on the supportive emotion of each thought

Alternatively focus on your compassionate image then try to generate alternative thoughts

Exercise writing down your thoughts

Writing engages a different part of the brain to thinking, so this might be helpful for generating new ideas.

Exercise: the mirror

Stand in front of the mirror and imagine yourself to be compassionate. Now tell your image a compassionate approach to your current problem.

Exercise: two chairs

6)      With a problem

7)      Speak from one chair from your threat\protection system

8)      Speak from the other from you soothing\contentment system

9)      Speak in the we form from chair to chair as both your threat\protection system and the soothing\contentment are part of you

Developing compassionate in the moment coping

In a distressing situation

1)      Observe your thoughts, emotions and physical feelings. Describing them can put space between you and them, and help you not get caught up in them

2)      Slow your breathing down. Give your body a gentle posture by letting tension go from your muscles. Imagine becoming your compassionate ideals.

3)       Shift your attention to the contentment system. Shift your attention firstly to your safe place if you need to, then to place where you are and to what sensations you feel in your body.

4)      Imagine your compassionate ideal\self-talking to you and offering kinds words. Focus on the emotion of these words.

5)      Use this kindness to focus on different helpful perspective, on your strengths and abilities.

Alternatively bring to mind when someone was compassionate to you or when you faced a similar situation before.  The key here is to step to one side of the threat\protection system to refocus on you from the soothing system.

Compassionate thinking towards others

1.       Take some soothing breaths and close your eyes

2.       Bring a person to mind someone you love\like\don’t like\don’t know if they were in distress

3.       Imagine what would you

a.       Want for them

b.       Say

c.       Do

d.       Feel

Conclusion

Our new minds can imagine, remember and compare, which has enabled us to create amazing things, when our new minds have been in service of our drive system.

When our new minds are in service of our threat system, then we can imagine bad\scary things happening, remember likewise, and compare ourselves unfavourably with others.  This increases our suffering.

Alternatively, we can be mindful. Through observing our thoughts, body and moods we can understand more, and see how our current state is influencing our thoughts, which can reduce the sense of the thoughts being true. Likewise, through observing our thoughts\emotions, we cannot get caught up in them, as we don’t continue thinking so much about them, we can also not identify with them, as there is the me that observes and the me that thinks.

How compassion-based therapy works is to literally use physiotherapy by creating the emotion of compassion and thus ensuring that it is the compassion system that is firing to take control of thoughts and behaviours.

Chapter 10 From Self-criticism to self-compassion

Shame=the feeling I have if others think I’m inadequate, bad, or not worth bothering about

We get internal shame when we think this about ourselves.

Something goes wrong, and we attack ourselves, and feel contempt, we shame ourselves, via self-criticism.

Trigger for self-criticism: something goes wrong (not up to an acceptable standard)

Shame and self-criticism

Self-criticism linked to what other people think.  So, within self-criticism there are two streams of thought, what I think other people would think of me, and what I do. Indeed, the self-criticism is often a response to how you think the other is thinking.

So, there are two aspects what I think others think of me, and what I think of myself. What is your key fear of your thoughts about others and your thoughts about yourself?

Shame and disappointment

Shame is about the fear that we are undesired and undesirable. When we self-criticise it’s not so much that we don’t meet our own standards it’s that we fear we are moving closer to a person, who is undesirable, ridiculed, rejected e.g. fat, stupid. Without other people I am nothing and shame is that feeling that I am a pariah. The threat here is that I am becoming or am the undesirable self which is shame provoking.

Self-criticism is commonly linked with damaging relations with others.

There is the ideal me

There is me

There is the feared me

I try to move to the ideal me, frightened that I might slip back to be the feared me. Self-criticism is that which tries to move me to where I want to be. The closer to the feared me, the more shame

Self-criticism comes with anger, contempt and frustration as we become vulnerable to shame.

Ok so shame is the feeling I can get or fear the closer I get to the feared me. The closer I get it seems the more likely to self-criticise I am. Again, the closer to the feared me, the more I can attack others or give up.

Learn how to deal with failures and disappointments can be the key to happiness. We will fail, be disappointed through our lives, we can reduce suffering by working out how to deal with them.

So, shame can be provoked by threat. I’ve done something bad and others will see me as less desirable. I’ve become something bad (unattractive) and people will see me as undesirable.

One is a threat, the possibility of the judgement from the other.

One is a disappointment, I haven’t done what I needed to, e.g. lose weight.

The need to be valued by others to value ourselves

The looking glass self. Our opinions of ourselves depends on how we think others see us. There’s an evolutionary element that I will be loved, safe and belong if I am valued by others. So, the others opinion is important. If we can’t get them to value us, they won’t be there when we need them. Indeed, more than that we are not, as we only exist with others, via how they see us.

Self-criticism and being devalued

Self-criticism can develop as we never really feel that we have been seen as good enough in the eyes of others.

What is desirable to others is taught by experience, so we carry with ourselves the values of others. Then we have what is currently desirable by others. With self-criticism we again can learn that as a behaviour from others, how they talk to themselves and others as critical. Again, you can learn that you may be the undesirable self from your experiences.  There can also be association between when I feel not good enough, it reminds me of a time when I was abused by someone and felt undesirable and criticised, so all those feelings may come up again.

The bullied becomes the bully

The bullied learns if he bullies he won’t be bullied. If mum didn’t protect me against dad I can see women as never as strong as men. If I was attacked by others, I can believe other people will attack me, so I revert to defending myself and attacking others. I don’t become compassionate as that would be a weakness.

From self-criticism to self-compassion

Difference between shame-based criticism and compassionate based self-correction

Shame based criticism is comes with feelings of contempt, frustration and anger.

Compassionate based Self correction comes with some kindness and love.

One says I’d like to get better, how can I, I might get knock backs.

The other says you were rubbish, you need to try harder, I can’t believe you fucked up

Current difficulties we haven’t got allotted jobs and jobs for life, we must compete for it, we are very fluid we have to compete, so this instability gives the sense of having to compete to be desirable.

Self-criticism is usually backward looking and doesn’t encourage us for the future.

Self-criticism:

Punishes

Focusses on deficits

Focusses on a global sense of self

Creates as a sense of shame.

Uses fear and shame as mechanisms for improvement

Compassionate self-correction

Focusses on improvement, learns from mistakes, comforts, is forward looking.

Self-criticism vs self esteem

Self-esteem tends to focus on us doing well, on doing better than other people. Self-compassion is how we do when things go wrong. So, self-esteem needs to be balanced with self-compassion.

Shame is self-focussed, I am undesirable because either of what others think of me, or what I think of myself.

Guilt is other focussed. I have hurt the other and I feel bad about it.

Complications: self-criticism and the fear of powerful and wanted others

Nietzsche: no one blames themselves without a secret wish for vengeance. You can’t express your anger on the other as you are dependent on them, so you turn it on yourself. You want to be seen as nice, and therefore lovable so you aren’t angry to the other, you are angry to yourself.

With gods you sacrifice to the gods, but still bad things happen, it must be god is still displeased with you, so it must be something about you that is wrong, so punish myself, or give more or both. Could this model apply to self-criticism? I want to please the powerful other, I do things for them, they are still not pleased it must be something about me.

So, you have a parent who criticises you, you’re angry with them, but you can’t show it, anyway they are all powerful, so it must be something wrong with you, so you find fault with yourself and criticise to seek to purge yourself of any wrong doing so your parent will love you and not shame you, but they don’t.

Again, some people can be afraid of their anger, and self-criticism is an easier way to express it.

Anger is linked to hurt, hatred to fear.

Some compassion focussed exercises

Sitting with your self-criticism

Write down your criticisms

Write down your biggest fear: you criticise yourself in order to stop something happening, what is this feared thing

Do soothing breathing

Bring to mind a compassionate image and notice the feelings of warmth

Look at the list of self-critical thoughts with this warm feeling and see what happens to them if you feel the self-critical thoughts and shame feeling coming   back, return to the warm feeling.

The many parts of me

So, if you are criticising yourself because of x, which means you are y. The restructure x, and even if x, then restructure that this makes you y. You are made up of many little I’s, e.g. tried therapist, successful therapist, partner, friend, stranger, shopper etc. Produce alternative views by standing on the balcony as it were to look at what happened.

The unreliable self-critic

How much does your self-critic have your best interests at heart? Your self-critic comes out when you feel threatened or disappointed, but does it have your best interest at heart.  Self-criticism is based on fear, threat, disgust and anger. I.e. you feel threatened and you criticise yourself, but that’s not a great way to help someone develop.

Write down all the ways in which your self-critic is unreliable and doesn’t work in your interest.

Your best interests at heart

Did the people who taught me to self-criticise have my best interests at heart. You may realise that your critics were struggling in some way.

Writing about your conflict

You’re angry with someone you love. Write down your angry thoughts. Begin your letter with this letter is very difficult to write because, this can help you articulate your conflict.  Then write down about all the things you appreciate about them, this can help develop a compassionate side. These letters are not meant to be sent, if you want to send them take a few days to think about it before sending them.

Blaming others and forgiveness

If you are angry, then you have a sense of injustice and want recompense. To forgive is to release yourself from this anger, it doesn’t mean you have to like them, or what they did, but you can understand what might have drawn them to do, so that you don’t see revenge. Doing this stops us being a victim or making one.

Standing up to your self-critic

If you made a person out of your self-critic what would it look like?

If you made a person out of your compassionate self, what would it look like?

Imagine your compassionate self and feel those feelings then talk to your self-critic, tell it that you don’t need it. Notice any areas of your that feel self-critical, feelings, posture, facial expression and send compassion to them.

Often self-criticism hides the need for vengeance.

Coping in the moment

Notice the emotion you felt that made you want to criticise yourself. Try to accept the emotion as understandable but the criticism as not helpful

Limiting your criticism of others

The self-critics are criticisers of others, so reducing this will reduce your self-criticism. So, when you criticise others notice this and offer them compassion

Compassion as Kindness, warmth and understanding.

Compassionate ideal

1.       Qualities

a.       Warm /Kind

b.       Gentle

c.       Wise

d.       Strong

e.       Non-judgemental

f.        Can create intimacy and connection

g.       Supportive

                                                               i.      Sees me as valuable

2.       Person

a.       Old

b.       Sex

                                                               i.      Janus, female on one side, male on the other

c.        

3.       Behaviour

a.       Takes time talking

b.       Can hold me in their gaze, their arms

c.       Are they peers, do they lead, do they empower?

4.       Voice

a.       There’s a deeper voice like onion butter, smooth and resonant for the male, and deeply gentle and powerful for the woman

5.       Colours hmm not sure, earthy, browns, greens, grey?

6.       Experience

a.       Have lived my life already

Chapter 11 Compassion and emotions

Anger\anxiety part of the threat system.

When working with emotions, learn to understand them (what’s their function, purpose), accept them and work with them in a kind way.

People can split the emotions that they want to and don’t want to feel.  As humans we will feel the range of emotions as they are there to help us to take certain action in certain situations. Mindfulness can help us by enabling us to tolerate more the emotion and to not intensify it.

Compassionate behaviour

One vital aspect of compassionate behaviour is how we act when we are anxious or angry.

Anger and anxiety are the two most powerful emotions we have, and more systems are given to them in our brain than any other as they have been essential to our protection and survival.

Anxiety can be unhelpful as we stop developing in areas that we avoid, and it can prevent us understanding ourselves more as we avoid thinking anxiety provoking thoughts.

As you are mindful to your emotions then you can learn more about them, how they affect the body, what thoughts come up with them

Our new mind can increase our levels of anxiety and anger and make them disproportionate to their source.

Courage

It takes courage to act against our powerful feelings. What is the intention and function of behaviour.  Courage is a considered decision.  You could find a courage act, but the function is not, e.g. suicide bombers whose function is to avoid shame, or to get heavenly goodies.

Compassionate behaviour is about being kind and wanting the best for someone\yourself. This can mean having to be courageous.

Compassionate action can be about dealing with difficulties that have been holding us back.

The dialectic of DBT is about opposites, e.g. self and other, change versus acceptance and how we balance these conflicts.  DBT emphasises being mindful of the pull and push of emotions., so we don’t automatically act on them.

Being mindful to our emotions, enable us to listen to them, we can then establish if they have something important to tell us, or if they are misguided.

Working with anxiety

The amygdala creates emotional memories. If it is overactive the threshold for what counts as an emotional memory drops and more things can be encoded.

10 Step processes for dealing with anxiety

Step 1

Recognise how your anxiety holds you back

Step 2

Is anxiety linked to current stresses in your life or to depression. If current situations then it is likely to pass, if to depression start working on that. Accept your anxiety is part of your inherited emotional system and that it isn’t your fault. So, notice if you criticise yourself and if so offer yourself some kindness.

Step 3

Accept that you will feel more anxiety before you feel less, but it will be under your control.  You’re going to need courage, but you need to do things that are challenging but not overwhelming.

Step 4

Examine clearly why you want to tackle your anxiety. If things get tough, you can focus on these things. Focussing on the reason why you want to deal with difficult things can help give you courage.

Step 5

Ask yourself do you need some help with your anxiety?

Step 6

Make a list of situations in which anxiety plays a role and the tasks that could help overcome it, then expose yourself to it

Step 7

Prepare for your anxiety situation:

Use soothing breathing

Invoke your compassionate image to wish you kindness

Remind yourself you are showing a lot of courage to be facing anxiety.

Bring a picture to mind of you having dealt with this anxiety problem

Step 8

Write down your coping thoughts.

It’s very easy for your thoughts, worries, ruminations to run away with themselves, so your fear becomes very little to do with the event itself.

Coping statements

1.       Acknowledge how\why you feel as you do

2.       Notice how these are unpleasant feelings but nothing more serious

3.       How facing my fear will allow my life to open up

4.       Notice how your anxiety will pass

5.       What would someone who was supportive say to you

6.        

Step 9 Engage

As you engage with your anxiety

1.       Use soothing breathing

2.       In a soothing voice do the following

a.       Notice how this is an opportunity to get used to strong anxiety

b.       Notice how you have coped with this before

c.       Notice how your anxiety affects how you think and behave

3.       Attention

a.       Keep your attention on your breath

b.       And you coping card

c.       And an image of someone compassionate

d.       Keep in mind what your goal is

4.       Understanding

a.       Notice what it is about the current situation that provokes anxiety

b.       Notice past experiences that may have contributed

c.       Notice how your threat system is over aroused at the moment

Step 10 Reflect on your anxiety after its over

Focus on things that went ok\well

Evaluate the tasks that you set yourself, too hard, too easy, about right.

Focus on the techniques that helped

Remind yourself of your goals for overcoming anxiety

Working with Anger

When something someone values is threatened by an unjust action, then they can feel anger. Some people under react and say nothing, some people over react and get angry. Assertiveness is the middle ground.

Anger is a natural response when something we value is threatened by an injustice. Notice any desire to condemn yourself for having it. Then notice what

1.       What the triggers are to it

2.       What the early warning signs to it are

3.       What happens to your thoughts when you are angry

4.       How do you want to act when you are angry?

5.       What might contribute towards it

a.       Are you at a low ebb so the threat seems larger,

b.       Is this how you learnt to deal with conflict

Be curious about you anger, get to know it better, then work out how you can deal differently with some of its triggers, things not going your way, etc. and think of kind and helpful ways to respond

It’s not the feeling or otherwise of anger it’s how you react to it.

We need to acknowledge both the purpose and function of an emotion. My anger is to take control, its function is to protect me when I feel weak and threatened.  The latter then can offer an indicator of things that could be attended to, to avoid the anger response. So, when I don’t feel heard, I feel it is an awful thing as it reminds me of not being heard as a child, I get very angry to protect myself. Therefore, we could attend to being heard.

If our desires become excessive and divorced from reality, then we will become frustrated.

Anger pushes people away, then when people feel more alone they feel more threatened and more likely to go to anger.

A ten-step plan to tackling anger

Step 1 Recognise you have a problem with anger

What are the short and long-term effects of anger

Step 2 What is the nature of your anger

Is it related to short term issues with past, is it related to longer term issues, e.g. low frustration tolerance, or related to beliefs you inherited from childhood

So, your anger isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility once you realise this.

Are you critical about your anger?  Anger can be useful for confidence, assertiveness or defending a cause

Step 3 Learn to tolerate anger rather than acting on it

You can do this as if you were angry with someone a lot bigger than you, you would manage your anger.  Also, if you were given a million pounds if you controlled your anger for a week you would do it. So, you can.

To not act on your anger takes effort, courage and commitment. You can undermine this by justifying your anger.

Step 4 Think about all the reasons why you want to control your anger

Anger can also be accompanied by obsessive rumination that makes wellbeing more difficult.

You may worry that people won’t take you seriously if you aren’t angry.

Step 5 Listen to others when they say you have a problem with anger or are a bit of a bully

Impatience can fuel anger, it’s our trying to force life that can lead to frustration.  Mindfulness can help slow us down.

Anger+alcohol=aggression

Step 6 Make a list of situations that make you angry

Isolate the themes:

1.       Time pressure

2.       Perceived criticism

3.       You are at fault

4.       People are being unfair

5.       People aren’t giving you good service.

Understand first what is the threat in the situation, then work out how it seems unjust.

Step 7 Make a commitment to tackle your problems without expressing anger

This can be done imaginally to learn and then put into practice in a graded way

1.       Learn

a.       Put yourself in a compassionate state

                                                               i.      Soothing breathing

                                                             ii.      Call to mind a compassionate being

                                                           iii.      Experience their compassion for you

b.       Imagine your anger provoking situation

c.       Think of the non-aggressive response that is helpful and kind for you

d.       Notice how you experience doing this, what happens in your body, tone, posture etc

e.       Notice how you deliberately slow yourself down and make yourself calm.

2.       Apply

a.       Get a list of progressively challenging situations and apply your imagined approach

Learning to act from a position of calm gives us most control

People won’t act on their anger if they are faced with someone a lot more powerful, rather they will be submissive, passive aggressive maybe and hold onto their anger and express it to some who is weaker than them.

A major element in handling anger is being able to manage conflict.

By being mindful, observing rather than engaging with your thoughts and emotions it gives you space to act compassionately with your feelings, i.e. it’s not your fault you feel like this, it’s understandable given, but what would be most helpful is…

Step 8 Write down some coping thoughts

First validate: It’s understandable you might get angry in the face of fear or distress as you want to protect yourself.

Second acknowledge what would be helpful. It would be helpful not to act on my anger as a friendly assertive approach is better in the long run

Third: Notice triggers to anger and remember to use them to be more mindful and take more calming breaths, this allows you to not have anger take control of your thoughts and behaviours

Step 9 Learn to forgive and forget

We hold onto our anger as we think it would be weak to let it go, the other would get away with it. However, the effects of this is that you might become depressed as you ruminate on your powerlessness, and the unpleasantness of the situation.  The alternative is to accept that life is unfair at times and to get on with it at best you can. You can accept life is occasionally unfair and enjoy the other bits or you can ruminate about how badly you have been treated, and how you shouldn’t have been, and this will affect all of your life.  So, the question is what stops you from letting go?

Letting go can involve forgiveness of the people that have hurt us.  We forgive as its good for us.  To do this first you might acknowledge what they did and how it made you feel. Then you might look to understand from their side why they acted in the way that they did. Then you might distinguish between the behaviour and the person and forgive them. You may want to write a letter that you don’t send to support this. You may want to put down what you hope for, for their future or your future with them.

It can be helpful to let go to establish the effects of not letting go to motivate. Sometimes your anger is about finding out someone isn’t as you want them to be and forgiveness can involve grieving for the person you wanted but isn’t.

Letting go of anger, reduces the threat\protection system and increases your wellbeing.

Step 10 Reflect on how you’re doing

Think about what you are trying and how it’s going, notice any of the small successes\improvements you may have, these can give you things to repeat. Try acting in the opposite direction of anger to calm it down, friendliness can be a great antidote to anger.

Conclusion

Our threat\protection system uses the emotions of anger\anxiety as well as fear\disgust\sadness. When the system is activated it can be amplified by the abilities of our “new brain” that can ruminate, imagine and compare. This can increase the effect of the emotion. Through mindfulness we can reduce this extra suffering, through compassion we can reduce all the pain and the suffering, but not conceivably remove it.

Chapter 12 Compassionate behaviour: cultivating courage

The art of resistance

Compassionate behaviour can involve acting against your desires

Compassionate behaviour can involve acting against your emotions

Resisting our own desires

Kindness and satisfaction of desires is not the same thing. To be kind is to care, to care is to wish someone well and to do things in their best interest and to want them to be free from suffering. So, eating all the cream cakes you wanted wouldn’t be kind.

Compassionate behaviour

1.       Make a list of things you are trying to do more\less of

2.       Set a small goal to them

3.       If you achieve then congratulate, then if you don’t commiserate, support and encourage for next time.

Resisting the others

1.       Its kind to resist the desires of young children who don’t always want things that are in their best interest, but this means you need to resist guilt and criticism

2.       Its kind to tell someone you don’t think they can do something, e.g. hiring for a job, even if you really like them.

If parental boundaries have been too tight, then we tend to rebel and do things even if they are bad for us.  Not having something can be us being kind to ourselves. Giving into our desires isn’t always a loving gesture.  I guess you could think of compassionate protection.

The concept of deserve

Narcissists have a sense of they are entitled to use others for their desires to be satisfied.  I am entitled, and this is fuelled by advertising as it means goods get sold.

The concept of deserve links good behaviour with reward, but this is done within the framework of an institution, where there are rules if you do x you get y.  With animal’s behaviour that gets rewarded gets repeated, there is no sense of deserve, if it doesn’t get rewarded it stops.

The sense of deserve seems to be a word from capitalism.  Deserve justifies the unfair. No one deserves to be born into famine or into privilege, it just happened.

You can play by the rules and not always get the rewards you were told, or you expected. I guess there’s a leap of faith.

It’s not a question of deserve it’s a question of would it be helpful. If it would be helpful and you don’t get it, then the next question is what else would be helpful?

Standing up to bullies in yourself and others

Bullies look to point out the failings of others to make themselves feel stronger

Compassionate behaviour is about being sensitive to other feelings but delivering messages in a clear way in response to problems.  This is most obvious when you are someone’s boss.

If you are being bullied, then remove yourself from the situation is usually a good place to start.  If not form alliances, run your ideas past others before talking to the bully.  

Talking to bullies

1.       Find a calm time (bullying can be in response to stress)

2.       Start with a positive

3.       Feedback in friendly tone

Notice the bully in yourself, when you see other people as error machines that need correcting. Notice when you are stressed and ensure your stress doesn’t bubble over.

Conflict and compassion

Conflict is an inherent part of life, starting with siblings and possibly even in the womb.  One conflict is between what you believe you deserve and how others are thwarting you. Again, one major source of conflict is how you see the world, other people or yourself should be and how they are.

Assertiveness is useful for the submissive to express themselves.

Compassionate behaviour has a protective aspect, so compassion is about protecting people from harming themselves or others, so this can mean rules, laws, deterrents.

Heroic compassion

Sometimes compassionate behaviour can be fuelled by anger that this shouldn’t be happening, saving Jews from Nazis. So, anger alerts us to the call of compassion, acting from anger would be conceivably be destructive and impulsive.

Combating our tribal and submissive behaviour

We have an enormous need to fit in and be accepted, so this means accepting group values and being a worthwhile member of the group.  If you are different or not up to standard, then you risk rejection.  The emotion that alerts us to the possibility of rejection or criticism is shame.  Shame is a social emotion and we conform to avoid it.

Compassionate behaviour is acting on something when we know it is right or wrong, it is not abdicating responsibility.

Confronting our capacity for cruelty

We can be cruel following the rules of our group or leader.

We might do this to belong, be looked after or avoid shame, ridicule and punishment.  Being a follower gives an identity that can combat LSE and depression.

Leaders can use this competing for affection and value, so give a vague order and let the generals squabble amongst themselves for favour.

Cruelty and sadism

Some wonder if these can be our reactions as we face an unjust world of suffering of death, decay and disease.

Cruelty can maintain power and keep subordinates subordinate.   People used to love the spectacle of execution.

The desire of disgust, leads to a desire for purification. Cleaning and burning purify, ejecting something also rids of us disgust.

Cutting and burning yourself can be understood as forms of sadism even though their function is emotional regulation. So DSH can be both punishment, don’t do it again, as well as regulation via acupuncture principles.

Confronting our shadow

Our sadistic, cruel impulses can often be produced by fear, fear of not belonging, submissiveness to our leaders

When we think we are doing good or being threatened, then our compassionate attitude can be turned off.

Our conscience may not always be compassionate. Our conscience is what we see to be good that has been generated by our parents and the groups that we inhabit. However, the good of the group can also mean the bad of the non-group, which can lead to non-compassionate behaviour to those not in the group.

Conscience can be your automatic moral feelings and thoughts about something.

It’s not our fault: we play out our archetypes and genes that have been developed through evolutionary purpose.  Archetypes are in some ways memes, social DNA.

It is our responsibility: we have choice to act against these influences

Compassion: aims to reduce suffering, wants the best for someone. However, is the best for one person the worst for another, is suffering a condition of action so the key to life Although you could argue that pain is foundation of life, but suffering is not.  Isn’t the homeostatic mechanism that generates so much action one of increasing discomfort to pain, to action to pleasure.

Chapter 13 Expressing the compassionate mind

Three compassionate relations

1.       You to others (giving)

2.       Others to you (openness)

3.       You to you (self-care)

The drive and threat system can work together via the conditions of worth. If I don’t achieve x, then I am not worthy within the group, therefore am not worthy of love or belonging.

Drive (getting, more than others, alliance and competitiveness)

Threat\Protect (defending, and alliance, being protected, superlatives)

Safeness\Connectedness (connecting, enjoying what is)

Compassionate mind training aims to balance these systems.

There is a sense of self that is created around the fact of things you are given, your body, your position in society. We have good\bad fortune and think we are responsible for that.

As you allow feelings of compassion to come into you, flow out of you, each area affects the other, as you are kinder to others and yourself again each area affects the other. There may be some place you find harder, self-kindness maybe, and maybe you need to pay attention to this and focus on that.

Worksheets

Worksheet 3: Compassionate approaches to life practices

1.       Soothing breathing

2.       Be mindful in everyday activities

3.       Practice gratitude

1.       Imagine your compassionate ideal

2.       Experience their compassion flowing into you

1.       Image you as a compassionate person

2.       Experience your compassion flowing into you

3.       Experience your compassion flowing into others

1.       Practice compassionate behaviour to self

a.       Gratitude

b.       Letter writing

c.       Confirm your intention to look after yourself

d.       Be aware of how your behaviour affects you

Worksheet 4: Compassionate approaches to life’s difficulties

1.       Engage is soothing breathing

2.       Adopt a compassionate posture, e.g. soft smile, relaxed posture

3.       Become mindful: meditate: notice how your emotional system has hijacked your thinking

a.       Recall times you’ve coped

b.       Recall times when you were happy

c.       Focus on your compassionate image

d.       Remember things and feelings change

e.       Create an image of you coping

f.        Imagine yourself having got through this difficulty

g.       Observer thoughts as patterns I you and you can experience different ones

Compassionate thinking\reasoning

1.       Notice if you are having an unhelpful thought pattern and decide to move out of that

2.       Talk to yourself, in a kind voice, as if you were compassionately talking to a friend

3.       Put yourself into compassionate mode, and offer compassion to the upset part of you

4.       Bring as much strength, wisdom and non-judgement to the upset part of you

5.       Bring to mind your common humanity, how you like other people struggle with difficult feeling, and that you like others are imperfect

6.       Focus on the fact that it’s not your fault that you feel like this you were designed this way

7.       Keep in mind the secret to success is the ability to succeed

8.       Focus on your efforts rather than your results.

Compassionate behaviour

1.       Make a commitment to behave in ways that will aid you in the long term

2.       Practice trying out different behaviours to find out what works

3.       Reach out to others for help

4.       Confidence builds from engaging with difficulties, so this may build your confidence for the future

5.       Recognise your limits and when you need to slow down, take a break

6.       If problems are too large break them down into bits

Compassionate Feeling

1.       Whatever you do try to do it with kindness

2.       You will always face difficulties or indeed success, if you face them both with kindness you will neither suffer or your pride make others suffer

Worksheet 5: The consequences of being kind to yourself and others

1.       List how a compassionate focus

a.       will affect how you feel about yourself

b.       how you interact with others

c.       how you deal with problems in your life

d.       how you choose and work towards your goals

e.       how you deal with setbacks and crisis

f.        and any other issues in your life.

Being kind

As we open ourselves to self-compassion we also open ourselves to the suffering of others.

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Working on a close relationship

If couples focus on creating compassion between them then it can help their relationship.

A relationships danger signs can be the four horsemen of the apocalypse stone walling, contempt, criticism and defensiveness.

A key element to a compassionate flow is to keep in mind what brings happiness to your partner.

A second part is to appreciate your partner what they do, the qualities they show.

Compassion for others means behaving in valuing ways, this can mean what words you use to address them, the tone and to your appreciating what they do and telling them.

Touching each other can give a feeling of safeness and of reconciliation.  It can release endorphins and enhance the soothing and contentment system.

Criticism of the other can come out of your own anger and frustration, it is generally undermining and generally unhelpful.

Fear based and need based caring

Some people care only to get the gratitude of others.

Sometimes a carer will look to fix the other to get gratitude but the cared for may resent this and may need independence to help them rather than dependence.  So, what can happen is a dynamic where one partner steps in to help, the other partner withdraws to avoid it.

Sometimes people care for the other, so they can be cared for in return.

Pro Social behaviour

Caring for others as you think you should leads to resentment.

Guilt, shame and punishment don’t promote compassion

Fear of punishment blocks empathy and soothing behaviour.

If we do something wrong, if we can tolerate guilt we can make amends.

To be more pro social ask how your behaviour to someone affects them both now and in the future.